Heightened sensitivity
Ah the joys of new awareness. I find that, since embarking on my MAPP (Masters in Applied Positive Psychology), I am now more aware of the
positive potential, and more sensitive when that is not embraced – or worse, when it is given lip-service but not followed through.
Three recent examples…
1. a meeting in which a client wished to “brainstorm” possibilities, and then shot down every idea that was raised immediately after it was voiced.
2. a class of college students that I’m teaching know all about their weaknesses, but no one has ever shown them their strengths (until my class)
3. a teacher’s “communication book” that comes home only when there is bad news to report on the child’s behaviour.
I’m learning – so slowly – how to balance between allowing the status quo and comfort zone, and moving myself and others forward into the brand new world of positive psychology.
I know, for example, that brainstorming can be a hugely positive and opening experience, but the first rule of true brainstorming is to defer judgement, allow off-beat ideas, and build on what’s been presented. You don’t get the full scope of possibilities otherwise. And if you want to shoot down ideas, that’s fine, but don’t expect creative solutions, don’t expect collaboration, and certainly don’t expect positive forthcomingness! (Yes, I just made up that word…)
I also realize that we are inclined to focus on the negatives. Whether that’s nature or nurture, I’m not sure – though I’m leaning towards nature – but it’s so sad to stand in front of a class of 40 college students, and ask “Who knows their strengths?” and see only 2 or 3 tentative hands rise. Yet when I ask, “Who knows their weaknesses?”, nearly every hand goes up, and most of them confidently with knowing nods. I am hoping to plant a few positive seeds and allow my students to acknowledge and apply their unique sets of strengths.
And finally, a personal quirk with teachers. I used to be one – I taught high school for seven years. I know that doesn’t exactly qualify me as an expert, but it was my first career, and it does provide me with some insight. I know how tough it is to stay positive, and how easy it is to spend 90% of your time on the handful of students who make life difficult. But I also know, from my own experience, how rewarding it is to focus on the positive, and to include the parents in shining that positive light on the students.
When the teacher sends home a notebook that is titled “Communications Book”, I honestly expect that to be used for parent-teacher communications. However, in reality, it is a “bad news book”. As I look back over the pages, the book has come home only about 4 times in the past 5 months, and each page has a bad news story on it – about something my child did wrong. I appreciate knowing that, and I want to know that so I can help set things right. But what’s even more compelling – and more important – is the other (majority of) days when the child has done something right. Another teacher understands this and sends home a mini report-card weekly, and my child enjoys getting “happy face” stickers on a regular basis.
So it’s a balancing act. As a college instructor, my role is clearer, but as a consultant and parent, there’s much more gray.
How do you manage it? How do you decide when to push for the positive, and when to settle for the status quo deficit-thinking? Or maybe you never settle… and how does that work for you? Looking forward to hearing what you have to share.
You’re so right about positive feedback. I’m pretty impressed with my kids’ school http://www.sns.hackney.sch.uk which has a number of systems for ensuring the kids get positive feedback. There are pre-printed ‘thumbs up’ postcards that staff can fill in and post home. There are school diaries which all the kids get, where teachers can write positive (as well as negative, of course) comments. There is a ‘referral system’ used to inform other staff and parents about the praise-worthy and problematic things kids have done, and each term there are awards for hard work, attendance and particular subjects.
I wonder if it’s related to the fact that the chair of the governors is also the founder of Happy Computers. http://www.happy.co.uk/ ?
Cheers
Penny
Hi Lisa,
I’ve been facing this challenge with my work in change management. I will be in a meeting and the project lead says he/she is committed to enacting change management and its associated activities, but try and get he/she to respond to an email for action later on … nothing. Lip service. For me, this is challenging because I don’t want to give up on change management — I believe it’s important and makes a difference to the employees most impacted. So I am now considering this as all part of the change management process: lip service, coaching, then real commitment. It makes me feel less negative and more inspired.
As for personal examples from, say, my child’s school … I haven’t run into things like “communication books.” Does every child at your son’s school have a communications book? School work does come home and I can see the clear effort the teacher has made to balance positive and constructive feedback. So that makes me very happy indeed!
Julie
Hi Julie and thanks for the comment! I agree with you entirely on the change management – part of the process seems to be a) educating and b) getting “buy-in” (and I dislike that term) from the sponsors. Great mindset to accept that it’s all part of the process.
As for the school communication books, it seems to be this teacher’s particular way of sending (problem) information home. It’s not a school-wide mandate. We’re working with it though! Teacher meeting coming up!
Hi Penny and thanks for the comment! That’s fabulous to hear that positive education has taken hold in some schools and I certainly hope that it will continue! I agree that parents need to know the negative as well as the positive – and that there will be negative feedback as part of the process – but perhaps we could all work towards the 3:1 ratio needed for flourishing? (C.f. Barbara Fredrickson’s book Positivity)
I couldn’t agree more. I have a special-needs daughter, and we’ve been through endless evaluations and assessments. It became apparent that there are many folks in the “helping professions” who can only view kids through the lenses of what I started to call the “four Ds” — Deviation, Delay, Deficiency and Dysfunction. I learned that the litmus test for someone who was going to actually make a positive change in my child’s life was whether they showed any awareness of the talents, strengths and individual personality traits that go with the weaknesses that brought us into their office. You can’t help my kid unless you GET my kid. The whole package. It’s a truth that applies to everyone who needs any kind of help, no matter what your challenges are.
(I have also learned that “normal” is a highly overrated and extremely arbitrary concept! But that rant’s for another time…)