Heightened sensitivity

Posted by LVS Consulting on January 28, 2010 · 5 Comments 

Ah the joys of new awareness. I find that, since embarking on my MAPP (Masters in Applied Positive Psychology), I am now more aware of the positive potential, and more sensitive when that is not embraced – or worse, when it is given lip-service but not followed through.

Three recent examples…

1. a meeting in which a client wished to “brainstorm” possibilities, and then shot down every idea that was raised immediately after it was voiced.

2. a class of college students that I’m teaching know all about their weaknesses, but no one has ever shown them their strengths (until my class)

3. a teacher’s “communication book” that comes home only when there is bad news to report on the child’s behaviour.

I’m learning – so slowly – how to balance between allowing the status quo and comfort zone, and moving myself and others forward into the brand new world of positive psychology.

I know, for example, that brainstorming can be a hugely positive and opening experience, but the first rule of true brainstorming is to defer judgement, allow off-beat ideas, and build on what’s been presented. You don’t get the full scope of possibilities otherwise. And if you want to shoot down ideas, that’s fine, but don’t expect creative solutions, don’t expect collaboration, and certainly don’t expect positive forthcomingness! (Yes, I just made up that word…)

I also realize that we are inclined to focus on the negatives. Whether that’s nature or nurture, I’m not sure – though I’m leaning towards nature – but it’s so sad to stand in front of a class of 40 college students, and ask “Who knows their strengths?” and see only 2 or 3 tentative hands rise. Yet when I ask, “Who knows their weaknesses?”, nearly every hand goes up, and most of them confidently with knowing nods. I am hoping to plant a few positive seeds and allow my students to acknowledge and apply their unique sets of strengths.

And finally, a personal quirk with teachers. I used to be one – I taught high school for seven years. I know that doesn’t exactly qualify me as an expert, but it was my first career, and it does provide me with some insight. I know how tough it is to stay positive, and how easy it is to spend 90% of your time on the handful of students who make life difficult. But I also know, from my own experience, how rewarding it is to focus on the positive, and to include the parents in shining that positive light on the students.

When the teacher sends home a notebook that is titled “Communications Book”, I honestly expect that to be used for parent-teacher communications. However, in reality, it is a “bad news book”. As I look back over the pages, the book has come home only about 4 times in the past 5 months, and each page has a bad news story on it – about something my child did wrong. I appreciate knowing that, and I want to know that so I can help set things right. But what’s even more compelling – and more important – is the other (majority of) days when the child has done something right. Another teacher understands this and sends home a mini report-card weekly, and my child enjoys getting “happy face” stickers on a regular basis.

So it’s a balancing act. As a college instructor, my role is clearer, but as a consultant and parent, there’s much more gray.

How do you manage it? How do you decide when to push for the positive, and when to settle for the status quo deficit-thinking? Or maybe you never settle… and how does that work for you? Looking forward to hearing what you  have to share.

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Celebrate what’s right with your partner

Posted by LVS Consulting on December 18, 2009 · 1 Comment 

A while ago, I read an article by Shelly Gable titled “Will you be there for me when things go right?” It’s a very interesting idea.

When we are in a close relationship with someone else, we expect them to be there for us when things go wrong. Our dog dies – we want our partner to comfort us. Our fridge breaks – we want our partner to console us and help us move the new one. The new car breaks down and the dealership won’t honour the warranty – we want our partner to get angry with us and march supportively with us all the way to the dealership, demanding retribution.

In other words, when things don’t go well, we want our partner there with us, supporting us, emotionally matching our state and aligning with our interests and needs.

Active constructive responding with your partner shares a positive event. In other words: celebrate the good stuff together!

But what about when things go well?

You pass a difficult exam – you want your partner to celebrate with you. You share a happy memory – you want your partner to revel in the savouring with you. You get a promotion – you want your partner to congratulate you and tell you how wonderful you are. Right?

When good things happen, people want to share that event with others and this process is called “capitalization”. The people we choose to capitalize with are usually close to us – like spouses, parents, siblings, roommates, partners, best friends. But sometimes those people we share with don’t respond in the way we wanted. What is the impact of this mismatch on the relationship? Gable and her co-researchers wanted to find out.

They worked with 79 dating couples and watched them share positive and negative events with each other, and measured how the listener responded – was it an emotional match? was the intensity matched? And the teller of the event was also asked if he/she felt validated.

Now there are many permutations of how this study was constructed to be as fair as possible – all couples were heterosexual (those are the ones who responded to the research request) and so sometimes the men went first with their story and sometimes the women went first. Sometimes it was a positive event shared first, and sometimes it was a negative event shared first. All couples were in exclusive relationships, and were considered stable over time. However, I’m not going to get into all those details, because the really interesting part is the conclusion, not the study design.

Eight weeks after the study, both members of each couple were independently sent follow-up questionnaires. By that time, four couples had broken up. Interestingly, men in the couples that broke up before the follow-up felt less understood, validated and cared for following their positive event discussion, but not following the negative event discussion. And outside raters agreed: the women in those couples that had broken up responded less actively and less constructively during the male partner’s positive event sharing.

And for women? Both positive and negative event responsiveness – that is, how their male partner responded to both negative and positive event disclosures – were important in the moment, but only positive event responsiveness predicted future relationship health.

Gable admits that these are preliminary results, given the small number of couples that broke up in the few weeks after the study, but it’s still fascinating. Supporting your partner in times of stress isn’t the same thing as supporting your partner in times of celebration. And if you want that relationship to work well and to last a long time, you had better pay attention to the good news stories that your partner shares, because if you aren’t there for your partner when things go well, your partner may not stick around.

 

Reference:

Gable, S. L., Gonzaga, G., & Strachman, A. (2006). Will you be there for me when things go right? Social Support for Positive Events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91, 904-917.

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